The cover to my copy of Secret Seven #3

Spoilers. Spoiler spoiler spoilers. I even put it in the title. Once more…spoilers.

So, Amber and I have this little joke…okay, actually I have this little joke that she puts up with. Whenever she falls asleep to a TV show or movie and wakes up afterwards asking, “What happened?” I always answer, “Everybody died.” Now and then I get to use it on things like ALIEN 3 and really confuse her. This comic would be the same.

And ALIEN 3 is possibly better than this.

There isn’t even much more to say about the description. Shade thinks he’s killed Amy, and tries to reanimate her – which goes horribly wrong so June bludgeons the reanimated Amy over the head. ZINO, Mindwarp, and Raven arrived all pissed off about Shade’s botched summoning attempts. Raven and ZINO fear that Shade’s vest is trying to kill them like it may have killed the last Secret Seven…and Mindwarp just tries to get into June’s panties.

ZINO casts a spell to cause Shade pain and June tries to get things under control. However this involves letting out the Enchantress, who decides to kick the shit out of everyone. Thanks to some stupid mistakes by Shade the Enchantress manages to actually kill Raven and Mindwarp, and ZINO casts a death spell on her in a rage. Enchantress reverts back to June, who is promptly killed by the curse. ZINO dies as her body is turned to ash and bones by the backlash of the spell.

The horrified Shade is distracted by the slaughter surrounding him by manic laughter, and sees a surviving Enchantress hovering nearby. She somehow escaped the effects of ZINO’s curse, and admits this was all a plan engineered by her and leaves Shade with the knowledge that he was instrumental in arranging the deaths of his teammates.

It turns out that Enchantress had been hired by the Amazons to eliminate – for reasons unrevealed – the Secret Seven. Her own spell was responsible for the interference that was causing Shade’s summonings to go haywire and turn everyone against him. She was also the one to kill Amy/Amethyst.

Now that this deed is done Enchantress asks for the old magic that the Amazon’s promised her; she desires to eliminate the June Moone personality struggling inside her. Her Amazon contact not-too-subtly explains that when the war is over Enchantress will be dealt with and she will find the peace she seeks.

As the issue wraps up we find that Shade has slipped into The Area of Madness, and his M-Vest is trying to explain that it can save him…or can it?

THE FINAL VERDICT: What the fuck DC – I want my money back!

Perhaps the reveal of Enchantress as a spy is a big deal in the overall Flashpiont story, but did we need three issues of pointlessness to do so? I mean, that’s what these three issues have been; pointless. We’re given a group of characters whose past we don’t know, whose place in the big picture we don’t know, and whose deaths serve no stated purpose. Above and beyond anything to do with DC’s planned changes or my thoughts on ZINO such a story, despite who the characters are, would be a waste of time. I don’t appreciate it.

Didn’t DC announce last month that it wasn’t going to slut up their female heroes? Think about then during the first splash of ZINO arriving. Actually, I’m not even going to discuss ZINO that much. She’s dead, of her own stupidity. Good. I really hope the ZINO that shows up in Justice League Dark when all this foolishness if over is closer to the real Zatanna. I don’t like taking satisfaction in the gruesome death of any character, but I really did not like this portrayal of our favorite sorceress and if we never see her again I will be quite pleased.

Anyway, if you ever see these issues individually or as a TPB avoid it like the plague.